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I Hate Crying At Work

First things first, I'm venting.

Second of all, I'm depressed, in a funk, feeling sorry for myself - whatever... This isn't going to be cute, or nice, or witty. I'm in a shitty mood.

Lastly, I realize there are people that have it so much worse than I do. I know I am blessed to have the things that I do, and have the people in my life that I do. Again, see #2. Now, if you still want to read on, at least you've been warned.

I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm just not enough. In any aspect. I'm not thin enough, I don't work out enough, I don't make enough money, I can't get enough done around the house, I don't eat well enough, I'm not good enough at my job. Its exhausting being so hard on yourself all the time. I've spent a good majority of my life feeling this way and being depressed and always feeling like I am just not good enough and never will be able to keep up. I am at that age that I accept that I will never be the best at anything to anyone. Someone will always be better than me somewhere, somehow. That's life. I am also at the age that I just want to be happy with who I am - that who I am IS enough. Who I AM is GREAT. I struggle with that. Horribly. I was in a relationship for 8 years with someone who made it worse. He made me feel like I wasn't enough. Tried convincing me that my family treated me differently. Made me super paranoid about that. Still struggle with that a lot. Convinced me that I was a slob. I got very heavy in that relationship and super lazy. Wasn't happy with life at all. At the time I blamed it all on him. Now I am wondering if it was really just me doing it to myself. After being out of that relationship and into another one, I'm questioning whether or not it was me exaggerating things and he was just an insensitive, selfish a-hole that did love me none the less. Don't get me wrong, I am N-O-T second guessing my unhappiness in that relationship NOR am I second guessing my decision to get out. I was horribly unhappy and move on... just saying that I probably was a vast majority of my own unhappiness.

J has seemed really annoyed and generally unhappy for the past couple months. He's unhappy with the amount of cleaning and general housework that I do. *sigh* I'm feeling a little deja vu. And I've never dated someone SO into how he looks or so focused on being THE BEST. This conflicts with my need to be happy with who I am, as I am. I lack that drive to constantly be the best. Its exhausting and disappointing, I've never been a "first place" kind of gal. I've never won anything that was based on skill and not luck. I like to be laid back and go-with-the-flow. I like a slight challenge every now and then to keep things interesting but nothing too negative. I struggle with depression. I know this. That's why I don't dwell on my short comings. Add into that, the overloaded desk at work complimented by the piles and piles of balance rec items being slapped in my face everyday with things I've screwed up. Mix in a little bit of my cousin complaining that she needs to get out of her "fat" weight of 145 lbs (my goal weight) - please note that I realize there are people that wish they were my weight/size, and that I should shut the F up about mine, i get it, I don't care, I realize I'm not "fat" just feeling a lot of pressure to be lean and fit. Plus, I live in about the most materialistic, flaky, self-absorbed, richest counties in the country, but I was raised in a place where if you made $100K a year, you were ROLLIN' in the dough. The people up here make ridiculous amounts of money and its next to impossible not to wish you could keep up. So, now this new switch with J's attitude towards me could not come at a worse time...

Not only does J seem really unhappy living with me, but he's trying to help me "fix" the things about myself that I feel are inadequate. I appreciate what he's trying to do, really I get it, but its not helping. Not helping in the slightest. Its making it worse. Plus, he's very directive and bossy and I DON'T do well with authority figures. I looooaaaaathhhee feeling like I'm dating my father. Know what I mean? Makes my skin crawl. I hate being told what to do, and I want to stomp my feel like a two year old and yell "You're not the boss of me!". Childish I know. I'm just being honest. And when I don't do the things he tells me to do to "help me" he gets annoyed and upset with me. The biggest problem with him trying to help me fix myself is that, to me, its like he's admitting to me that he sees me as inadequate. That he sees my faults and agrees that they are faults, and that hurts A LOT. So much that I've been sitting here crying at my desk today. And I can't help but get that "FLIGHT" reaction brewing up. To run far away from the things that are making me unhappy. I'm doing my best to be rational and ignore that. Its not really what I want in this situation, I know that. Its just hard not to feel that way a little. That's my Grandma L coming out in me I think. I can't runaway and ignore things just because they aren't going the way I want them to. J's probably going to read this. Again, I don't care. He has to know a lot of this already. I've been a clingy idiot telling him how much I love him every two seconds and how great I think he is, then turning around and telling him how crappy I think I am. Its probably getting old. I hate being that clingy idiot girlfriend. I didn't want to get into this kind of situation again. I didn't want to love him this much and have that nagging feeling of doubt in the back of my head and be the "girl" in the relationship, questioning and reading into every little thing. I hate that. I hate feeling like this. And I hate crying at work.


Max's Mommy said…
Um... I'm not sure where to start.

First, I'm sorry. And I hate that you feel this way about yourself.
I love you and think you are awesome. Not the best? What about art and scrapbooking? I've always wished for one third of your artistic abilities and creativity. I often feel that I am not the best or even good enough. Maybe it's genetic. Ha.

I don't know what else to say, but I hope you get out of the funk soon. And if J is being a jerk, I'm about to let him have it.
Goldie said…
I'm feeling better. Just in a funk. J's not being a jerk at all, but you can still let him have it if you wanna ~ would be quite entertaining I think. :o) Love. Muah!

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