Today is the day. Grandpa's visitation and tomorrow's the funeral. The last couple of days its really hit me. He's gone. My Grandpa was a wonderful man. We've all been smiling, laughing and reminising about all the funny things he used to do and say. We fondly remember his sweet tooth and love for all things lemon flavored. But something I never really thought about until now is that he was handed a lot of crappy cards on the health side of life and hasn't been in good health for the last 20 years but I never really heard him complain about it. In fact, every time I saw him he had a huge smile on his face and wanted to know all about what I had been up to and what I was doing. He was so very proud of all of us kids. So proud. Didn't matter what we were doing or what we'd accomplished, his eyes would twinkle with pride. I'm going to miss him terribly. Today and tomorrow are going to be hard but its all the days after that are going to be truly trying... Love you Grandpa.
I’m having a panic attack. These stupid meds are killing me. I hate them. Stick with it, stick with it, stick with it. I know it’s the meds. I just have to get through this and relax for a couple weeks. I hate this job. It’s not even that bad it’s just HORRIBLY boring. I don’t want to do this every day. I appreciate learning the process and gaining experience but it’s not what I like to do. I don’t even like accounting that much to begin with but there are aspects I like and I know it. The pay is killing me. I need money. I can’t continue to be completely broke before the first week of the month is over. Collections calls ringing all day. I’m applying to jobs like crazy. I’m trying so hard. I’m just going to keep pushing forward. Keep. Pushing. Forward. I hate that I wanted a life with Jason. That I was too blind to realize what he was. That I was ok with him even from the very beginning when I knew better. Why didn’t I want better things for myself? Seeing him makes me want to vomit.
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