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Where do I go from here?

Ever feel like you are standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of your lungs like a lunatic and no one hears you or they just don't care???

I feel like that.

I've been putting off writing this post because well, its a crappy one, but I just need to get this off my chest. I'm just not happy. I feel I have no control over my own life. I don't like the way things are going. At. All. I can't make any of my own decisions and I feel like I'm smothering to death. Every move I make is the wrong one. Work, home, family, friends...everything. I feel so alone. I know if I'd reach out, there are people I can talk to but some things I just don't want to discuss with anyone. There are things I'm struggling with that I just don't want the opinions or judgement or backlash of those involved. I don't want to hear it. Or I'm just too embarrassed. I know this doesn't make any sense to anyone but me, and that's fine. I feel very bitter about the way a lot of things have turned out and that I just have to "suck it up". I'm starting to feel very angry inside and resentful. I can feel myself turning inward and shutting everyone out. I'm sick of getting hurt. I'm so f'ing sick of being shit on and forgotten or disregarded or expected to just put up with it because I always have. I'm tired of being expected to just forgive and except it. I don't want to forgive and forget some things ~ all the things I've just accepted and forgiven are starting to pile up on me. Every time I start to feel happy and good about the way my life is, it gets ripped out of my hands and I'm left trying to piece it back into what it was...maybe I do it to myself. Maybe I'm so blind in what I want to see, I can't see what's actually going on around me. Gah, I'm just so angry! Its eating me alive.

I'm so turned around and backwards, I just don't know where to go or even where I would WANT to go. "Be careful what you wish for" keeps running through my mind and I just don't want to wish for the things I think I want anymore because they just keep blowing up in my face. The more I wish things were better, the worse they get. I try being thankful for what I have and then those things fall to pieces too. Sometimes I feel like I just want to hit the pause button and get a grip on what's happening and get a game plan. But right now sucks and I just want to fast forward through all this crap...but I hate to see what the future is really going to be like! I don't want to ruin what little hope I have left. I don't really want to rewind, either and re-live everything. I don't know what I'd want to relive and what I'd want to stay the same. I just want to focus on what *I* want and fixing the things that I desperately want to fix, but I keep getting overruled by everyone else.

I know everything happens for a reason and every decision I've made in my life has led me to here. I can't honestly say I don't want to be here...I just want things to be more like the way I thought they were going to be. Now that just sounds stupid, doesn't it?! Ugh.

I'm just so lost... I don't know where to go from here.


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