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Stupid Hormones

My hormones are getting the better of me.

I'm an emotional wreck these days! I cry at the drop of a hat and go days on end feeling super depressed. I don't feel like myself at all. Sometimes I just want to curl up in my bed at home and cry...For no particular reason sometimes. I'm terrified that I'm going to have Postpartum Depression after the baby is born. I know I'm driving J insane - I can tell the crying is really starting to wear on him. He's completely over the emotional crap and so am I.

I do have problems with this when I'm not pregnant though, but I'm hoping its the hormones that are making it worse. I just keep trying to muddle through it and wait it out, but its really getting to me.

Work is the biggest problem. I'm super unhappy here now, but I make pretty good money for what I do. Its a catch-22. I used to love it until they piled my desk so full of things for me to do that I can hardly keep up (which makes me feel like I'm doing a crappy job and I HATE that) and they've moved me over to where I feel completely isolated. I was having a hard enough time feeling like I fit it with the new department they put me in and now its completely impossible. I don't fit in or belong. One of my best friends works here but she's on the opposite end of the building and has a new position and is SUPER busy. I can't go to lunch with her anymore because: 1. She too busy, 2. Our budget is pretty tight so eating out is too expensive and 3. J gets all huffy when I go out to eat too much so I feel like I'm "not allowed" due to him and the budget thing. The work that I do is a bunch of crap work that no one else wants to do so its not exactly exciting stuff. I just have zero motivation and I don't want to be here. At. All. I have my annual review due next week and I honestly don't know what to write about myself or my job...REALLY not looking forward to it at all. Plus, we get NO raises this year. What's the point.

J is another trigger. I love him more than anything in this world and could not ask for a better husband. He's absolutely my best friend in this world and can talk to him about anything. But...about 3 months ago, I stumbled onto some things that I didn't necessarily ever want to know about or have to deal with, and we hit a rough patch. I don't want to go into details because its between J and I and, quite frankly, I'm too embarrassed to talk about them with anyone. We have been working on things together and I'm really happy with how much our communication has improved because of this. Its been a blessing in disguise, I know, but it hasn't done a whole lot for my self confidence or my ego. It has completely shattered me actually...

*Geez I'm tearing up already - I just wish I could get MY SHIT BACK TOGETHER*

Anyway, it hasn't been an easy 3 months. There's been a lot of adjusting and rebuilding going on that I just don't need to be going through during pregnancy. I know J is at his wits end with trying to keep my happy. (If you're reading this babe, I'm sorry I'm such a mess. Thanks for putting up with my craziness.) He's been so good about going out of his way to try and keep me from feeling so cruddy and to get me to feel like myself again, but I can't shake it. Ugh. I just want it to go away. I don't want him to feel bad anymore and I want to have my confidence back.

On top of those two things, every little thing in between has me bursting into tears every couple minutes. Its ridiculous and I H.A.T.E. feeling like this. HATE IT! I'm just so exhausted of this crummy feeling. I want to be happy with my job again and go back to feeling utterly, disgustingly, sublimely HAPPY in my relationship again. I want to ooze bliss with this pregnancy and enjoy every waking moment of it other than worrying about stupid crap that I don't really have to be worrying about. I miss my family terribly, and wish they could come to visit more. We've been working really hard at trying to get our finances together which is extremely stressful and not helpful with the depression, either. My friends never call me or talk to me anymore - If I don't contact them, I never hear from them. That gets old. And, again, not so great on the ego. I just feel alone. Even though I'm far from it...I feel very ALONE.

I plan on talking to my doctor about it at my next appointment - I'm not even THINKING about getting on something before Baby A is here but I do want to discuss something to prevent the PPD afterwards.

Bleh. This post is depressing, but I needed to get it off my chest.


BnE's Mommy said…
BIG HUG Mama...definitely talk to the dr ahead of time. You'll be grateful you did once the baby is here.

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