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So, what do you think of my new girlfriend??

J's best friend, C, came to party with us this weekend as it was his birthday too. We both love C dearly. He's hilarious, he's fun, you can't help but love the guy! See??



What's not to love!

Anyway, C brought his new girlfriend to stay the weekend too. Now, I obviously have not known him as long as J and I've never actually known any of his ex's but the things I have heard about them....mmm, not so good. So J & I were a little less than pumped to meet her, but were willing to give her a fair shot, for C's sake.

Here's what we learned during her weekend stay:
1. She's bisexual. Told me this herself on the first night. Then hit on/tried to kiss every girl at the party - I'm not kidding every single one. Wouldn't let my brother's fiance down the stairs without first giving her a kiss. Tried to get my new neighbor to have sex with her (poor girl). Made out with some 40-something woman at the bar (don't worry, she stopped in the middle to go grab C so he could watch). All this hot lesbian action and yet she told my brother's fiance that my brother's been hitting on her all weekend. And that she would totally do him but she had C.

2. She's still married...but "in the process of a divorce". Even though its not filed yet. Hasn't seen a lawyer. Had to lie to her husband about where she was that weekend. Shhh. She was at a BreakTime meeting - that's where she works. Its our little secret. She had him on speakerphone so we could hear what he was saying. He asked her to please think about him and their relationship (really awkward to listen to a man pleading with his wife to please reconsider when they both are complete strangers to you). Then listen to him say that if he had to go full time at work, he would have to give her custody of the kids. She ignored the first part and kept asking all weekend if we heard him say she got full custody of the kids...

3. Her first time with C was a threesome with her best girlfriend. She told C not to cum inside her friend but C did it anyway. She was upset at first because her friend was still fertile and she had her tubes tied and she was a safe bet. (Apparently condoms weren't in use). But she got over it because she realized he was probably just really excited and into the moment whenever she said it and didn't hear her. And that her bff/threesome buddy just wouldn't leave C alone cause he's so big and they were both so satisfied with his perfomance and they'd never been satisfied like that in ANYof the threesomes they'd had...

4. TMI is not in her vocabulary. Obviously.

5. She has four kids by two dads. She said this many times like we should be shocked. Or maybe she was bragging, I honestly can't tell.

6. She dated a stripper for 2 years - a girl - while she and her second (current) husband were broke up. Again, I'm pretty sure she was bragging.

7. Her husband threw a Bible at her. *Gasp* What's wrong with that guy!!

8. She likes to have sex... a lot. Kept complaining that "C was talking dirty to her and wouldn't back it up and go bump uglies right this minute in the middle of the party. Hey, wanna make out?". Um no. Then she was totally pissed off, ignoring C because he "wouldn't F her last night". Made a huge scene/ordeal about it in grand dramatic fashion. Honestly, I'm surprised the guy could even get it up/had any bodily fluids left after spending the entire weekend locked upstairs in there room F'ing until it was time to eat/start drinking.?!?! Seriously, they were TOTALLY unsociable until it was time to drink. Or eat. Then straight back upstairs...Or just start making out and fondeling each other in the middle of the room. Whichever was more convenient.

9. She's very religious. She wore a Jesus t-shirt around the house all day Saturday. That is, when she wasn't upstairs having an affair. I mean...um, F'ing her boyfriend, cause, you know, that's what good Christian bi-sexuals do. Well, I don't know. I suppose she could have been wearing the t-shirt still while she was doing the deed. I would've.

10. She's living with her mother-in-law. C stays sometimes with her...at her mother-in-law's house. That's her husband's mom in case you were wondering or didn't make the connection.

11. She's never drank so much in her life! She told me several times, over and over again. Friday and Saturday night. I don't really care but I thought you might. Someone must, I don't know why she would say it so many times. Oh, and by the way, 5 mixed drinks and 3 shots is the most she's ever had, in case you were wondering the quantity. That's all she had all night Saturday. I think she almost had alcohol poisoning (extreme sarcasm)! She made her self throw up 8 times. C told her to do it. ** Please note, C told her that if she was feeling bad, maybe she should try to go make herself get sick and she might feel better. I think he meant one time, not a dozen** C also made her drink all those drinks. How old are we??! Can we not make our own decision about drinking??!?

12. Drama RULES! If there is nothing dramatic currently going on, make something up! Sweet!

13. When making biscuits and gravy for ten people (we only ended up having 6 but the plan was for 10) you'll need: 20 cans of biscuits, 10 lbs of sausage, 2 gallons of milk....... Let's do the math for a moment on just the number of biscuits: 20 cans x 8 biscuits per can = 160 biscuits (the big Grands kind). That's 16 biscuits per person (or 26 per person since we only had 6 people). I probably would have gotten 25 cans just to be on the safe side. I mean, there were supposed to be 5 guys there and lord knows how the men-folk eat!

I wish I was making these things up. Or atleast exaggerating a little. Awesome first impression. I never thought this sort of thing needed to be said, but if you ever meet your boyfriends friends for the first time, please, I repeat, please keep this list handy of things NOT to do with you at all times. Or you could just use common sense.

At one point in the weekend, C looked at me, with those big brown, puppy dog eyes, so filled with hope and asked....."So, what do you think of S? Do you like her??" Errr...um....well. Yeah! Sure do. Yep. We're BFF's already!! Yep, I lied out my butt. Isn't that what your supposed to do??? It would have crushed him if I would have said "No. She's a bisexual, dramatic, white trash skank ho that keeps hitting on all my other party guests (well only the girls), and I would really like it if you could just go ahead and break up with her right now and find a GOOD girl to date and let her go home with that nasty, can't-decide-if-I'm-a-lesbian-or-a-straight, get-it-wherever-I-can, b*tch that was trying to feel up my bf all night whom she made out with earlier...mmmkay?". I think that honesty was NOT the best policy on this one.

J learned on the way home (he had to go pick them up and take them home so they could come since her van was messed up - they live 1.5 hours away, one way. Awesome) that C and his "soulmate" are moving in together this week. J & I are pretty pumped for him. I'm 67.546% sure that relationship is gonna last... I'm lying. It's more like 11.438%. I was just being optimistic. Or pessimistic, however you wanna look at it.

Comments

Max's Mommy said…
How did I miss this blog post?! hahahaha

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