I’m having a
panic attack. These stupid meds are killing me. I hate them. Stick with it,
stick with it, stick with it. I know it’s the meds. I just have to get through
this and relax for a couple weeks. I hate this job. It’s not even that bad it’s
just HORRIBLY boring. I don’t want to do this every day. I appreciate learning
the process and gaining experience but it’s not what I like to do. I don’t even
like accounting that much to begin with but there are aspects I like and I know
it. The pay is killing me. I need money. I can’t continue to be completely
broke before the first week of the month is over. Collections calls ringing all
day. I’m applying to jobs like crazy. I’m trying so hard. I’m just going to
keep pushing forward. Keep. Pushing. Forward. I hate that I wanted a life with
Jason. That I was too blind to realize what he was. That I was ok with him even
from the very beginning when I knew better. Why didn’t I want better things for
myself? Seeing him makes me want to vomit. Looking at all his narcissistic
posts makes me want to kick him in the teeth repeatedly with a steel boot. I’ve
never been violent but he makes me feel violent. I’m trying and praying so hard
that I don’t hate him but he makes me sick. I don’t want the boys to be
anything like him. Like, at all. I want them to be normal and happy and never
know what a piece of garbage pervert their dad is. I don’t want them to be
manipulated by his bullshit thinking they have to live up to his standards and
expectations. I don’t want to be dating. I don’t want to wonder and worry and
try to get to know someone and hope they are interested or aren’t interested
and that they won’t hurt me. I don’t want to have to trust someone. I don’t
want my kids to have step-parents and the life I did of not feeling like you
belong. I gave them each other and that’s the best I can do for them at this
point to always have a family and each other. I have to get out of here, even
if I have to do it on my own. I can’t be here any longer with the family I don’t
get to be a part of being slapped in my face every single day. I can’t believe
I didn’t see this coming. Why didn’t I just stay home?! I’m so lonely but I don’t
want the drama of having anyone in my life. I tried that again and it’s not
gone well. Everything’s so complicated. I want this guy, I really do, but not
as myself. I want him as I was before I got so damaged by Jason. Can I just
erase all that from my life? Can I please just erase Jason from my life? I
really want that. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with anyone………
STOP
Think logically
not emotionally, look forward not backward. I’m letting the emotions get to me.
Look at facts. Be factual for a few weeks. Make daily plans, hourly plans,
whatever you have to do to stay focused. All of these things above don’t really
matter except to tell you what you do and do not want for the future. What. Do.
You. Want? YOU. I want a good job. I want to provide for my children and myself
on my own. I want to look good, I want to feel good and be proud of how I look
so that it’s not ever a reason not to have what and who I want, should I ever
decide I want to date. I want to be alone to focus on myself but I also want
this guy. We’ll address that at another time. You need yourself and to fix
and love yourself before you can go there. This guy is what he is. Don’t think
past that. It doesn’t really matter. Do NOT make life decision based on something
that does not matter or exist. You are dating and more than likely he won’t
last past this year. Don’t decide your life for anyone’s benefit but yours and
the boys. Move where the jobs are and a good school and life are for you and
the boys. If God wants someone else in your life, it will get there. You first.
Don’t let any more decision in your life be about anything but you and the boys
so you won’t regret them anymore or wish you’d done different. You’re done sacrificing.
Do what gets you where you want, not what’s easy or best for everyone. Get your
masters and CPA. Get a good job. Make memories with the boys. Have a life of
your own. Be proud of your choices and yourself. Hold your head up and be proud
of what you’ve been through. It’s been a tough rode and you’ve learned some
hard lessons but it’s made you strong and smart. Look at those boys you made.
Be proud of them. Even when they are being a pain. Let them be people, figure
themselves out and show them by example how to be an adult. There’s no reason
to panic. God will not forsake you. You are not alone. Deep breath and eyes
forward.
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