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Ramblings of a Panic Attack

I’m having a panic attack. These stupid meds are killing me. I hate them. Stick with it, stick with it, stick with it. I know it’s the meds. I just have to get through this and relax for a couple weeks. I hate this job. It’s not even that bad it’s just HORRIBLY boring. I don’t want to do this every day. I appreciate learning the process and gaining experience but it’s not what I like to do. I don’t even like accounting that much to begin with but there are aspects I like and I know it. The pay is killing me. I need money. I can’t continue to be completely broke before the first week of the month is over. Collections calls ringing all day. I’m applying to jobs like crazy. I’m trying so hard. I’m just going to keep pushing forward. Keep. Pushing. Forward. I hate that I wanted a life with Jason. That I was too blind to realize what he was. That I was ok with him even from the very beginning when I knew better. Why didn’t I want better things for myself? Seeing him makes me want to vomit. Looking at all his narcissistic posts makes me want to kick him in the teeth repeatedly with a steel boot. I’ve never been violent but he makes me feel violent. I’m trying and praying so hard that I don’t hate him but he makes me sick. I don’t want the boys to be anything like him. Like, at all. I want them to be normal and happy and never know what a piece of garbage pervert their dad is. I don’t want them to be manipulated by his bullshit thinking they have to live up to his standards and expectations. I don’t want to be dating. I don’t want to wonder and worry and try to get to know someone and hope they are interested or aren’t interested and that they won’t hurt me. I don’t want to have to trust someone. I don’t want my kids to have step-parents and the life I did of not feeling like you belong. I gave them each other and that’s the best I can do for them at this point to always have a family and each other. I have to get out of here, even if I have to do it on my own. I can’t be here any longer with the family I don’t get to be a part of being slapped in my face every single day. I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming. Why didn’t I just stay home?! I’m so lonely but I don’t want the drama of having anyone in my life. I tried that again and it’s not gone well. Everything’s so complicated. I want this guy, I really do, but not as myself. I want him as I was before I got so damaged by Jason. Can I just erase all that from my life? Can I please just erase Jason from my life? I really want that. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with anyone………
STOP

Think logically not emotionally, look forward not backward. I’m letting the emotions get to me. Look at facts. Be factual for a few weeks. Make daily plans, hourly plans, whatever you have to do to stay focused. All of these things above don’t really matter except to tell you what you do and do not want for the future. What. Do. You. Want? YOU. I want a good job. I want to provide for my children and myself on my own. I want to look good, I want to feel good and be proud of how I look so that it’s not ever a reason not to have what and who I want, should I ever decide I want to date. I want to be alone to focus on myself but I also want this guy. We’ll address that at another time. You need yourself and to fix and love yourself before you can go there. This guy is what he is. Don’t think past that. It doesn’t really matter. Do NOT make life decision based on something that does not matter or exist. You are dating and more than likely he won’t last past this year. Don’t decide your life for anyone’s benefit but yours and the boys. Move where the jobs are and a good school and life are for you and the boys. If God wants someone else in your life, it will get there. You first. Don’t let any more decision in your life be about anything but you and the boys so you won’t regret them anymore or wish you’d done different. You’re done sacrificing. Do what gets you where you want, not what’s easy or best for everyone. Get your masters and CPA. Get a good job. Make memories with the boys. Have a life of your own. Be proud of your choices and yourself. Hold your head up and be proud of what you’ve been through. It’s been a tough rode and you’ve learned some hard lessons but it’s made you strong and smart. Look at those boys you made. Be proud of them. Even when they are being a pain. Let them be people, figure themselves out and show them by example how to be an adult. There’s no reason to panic. God will not forsake you. You are not alone. Deep breath and eyes forward.

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