So yesterday, J and I crossed the three month threshold and I officially must say... I'm not single any more. Technically, yes I file my taxes under the "Single" status, we aren't married and there's no ring on my finger, but I'm unmistakably a "we" again. I have a moment of panic every once in a while about being in a serious relationship again. I have to admit that I have felt myself rebeling inside and wanting to go do something spontaneous with one of my guy friends and go out and party again. Alas, that is not the appropriate behavior for a girlfriend and I've chosen to decline the invites. A little part of me screams inside and whines and throws a little two-year-old-toddler tantrum. It gives me a little irk of panic when my single self thinks of settling down again like I've not had enough 'me' time...
I've always felt when relationships in the past wouldn't work out (because the guy wouldn't commit and then they would always beg and plead to have me back when I left), that the reason behind it all was that I wasn't the right one for them or they would have been able to commit to me. It would have been a natural thing to want to be with me and spend time with me - do what it takes to make a relationship work without it being "work" for that person. Now being on the other side of things I can see that I do still sometimes want those other things and to be single and do what I want, but I want J more. I'm so happy in this relationship and it's not work at all. Not for either of us. We are contently happy just to be with each other - even the wild single side of me is sublimly happy 99% of the time. He always has my interest at heart and I am finding myself doing the same. Not because I have to but because I want to. Not because I feel controlled or pushed or obligated but because I want to make him as happy as he makes me. And it takes no effert. Totally effortless.
I can't believe how much has changed in 3 months time, heck...even a months time. I have fought this relationship tooth and nail from the beginning. Forcing myself not to get too close, attached, or comfortable. I didn't want this. I didn't want to get involved. I just wanted to have fun... and despite myself it happened anyway. And I still find myself waiting for that other shoe to drop. I can't help it. It may take a loooong time for that feeling to go away. But, I'm happy with the way things are and I am happy with where they are heading.
Ok so this was a sappy boring post, but I haven't updated for a while and this is the current happenings. I liked the idea of a funny singles-life blog, but I think this is going to turn into a boring mushy "relationship/family/life update" blog. *sigh* Oh well. :o)
...But...
I've always felt when relationships in the past wouldn't work out (because the guy wouldn't commit and then they would always beg and plead to have me back when I left), that the reason behind it all was that I wasn't the right one for them or they would have been able to commit to me. It would have been a natural thing to want to be with me and spend time with me - do what it takes to make a relationship work without it being "work" for that person. Now being on the other side of things I can see that I do still sometimes want those other things and to be single and do what I want, but I want J more. I'm so happy in this relationship and it's not work at all. Not for either of us. We are contently happy just to be with each other - even the wild single side of me is sublimly happy 99% of the time. He always has my interest at heart and I am finding myself doing the same. Not because I have to but because I want to. Not because I feel controlled or pushed or obligated but because I want to make him as happy as he makes me. And it takes no effert. Totally effortless.
I can't believe how much has changed in 3 months time, heck...even a months time. I have fought this relationship tooth and nail from the beginning. Forcing myself not to get too close, attached, or comfortable. I didn't want this. I didn't want to get involved. I just wanted to have fun... and despite myself it happened anyway. And I still find myself waiting for that other shoe to drop. I can't help it. It may take a loooong time for that feeling to go away. But, I'm happy with the way things are and I am happy with where they are heading.
Ok so this was a sappy boring post, but I haven't updated for a while and this is the current happenings. I liked the idea of a funny singles-life blog, but I think this is going to turn into a boring mushy "relationship/family/life update" blog. *sigh* Oh well. :o)
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